Out West

The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
I found this book to be a great parenting resource!

I just finished reading this book and posted my review on goodreads.com If you haven't read it and are looking for better ways to help parent your children, I highly recommend it. My review is below, but some of the things I found out were:
Andrea loves praise and attention. (I knew that!) I also learned that if I critisize her, raise my voice or yell, she actually interprets it as me not loving her! (Revelation!)
I learned that when Michaela is yelling and I try and stop it with out giving her a chance to let her anger out in non-destructive ways, I am making it worse. By allowing her to have it out, I can then better help her deal with it and move towards more mature ways to express it. I think Michaela's primary love language is gifts and or acts of service because she always loves to make people notes and cards and spend her money buying things for others. I have really tried to write her special notes and do little acts of service for her and she seems to really be responding! Some mornings are a little hectic getting out the door and practicing, etc. This morning, I made a hot breakfast and had it all ready with a love note on the napkin. Then, I told Michaela I loved her and requested that she practice. She got ready more quickly and with out complaining and then we practiced and she went off to school so much more happier. Sometimes, I would want a specific behavior, so I would with hold doing stuff for her until she complied. (Ie., I would make her get her own milk out of the fridge and pour it because she wasn't behaving appropriately...when actually, by showing her I loved her by serving her, her love tank was full and she behaved appropriately!)
Yeah me! Anyway, if you already knew all this stuff...congratulations you're way ahead of me! If you feel like you struggle to get your kids to obey and respond positively, this book is for you!

Here are the basics of the book. Children have a primary language that they communicate love and receive love from parents. They are physical touch, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and praise. We need to give love through all 5 means so that they learn to give love in all those ways, but by using their primary language to fill their love tanks, they know that they are loved. Likewise, if we use their primary love language in a negative way (ie. if physical touch is their love language and we slap them) then it is much worse because they interpret it as us not loving them.

The next part of the book, I thought I wouldn't read, but I found it to be even more helpful. It teaches how to discipline and then how to help our kids manage anger.

When we discipline, we are teaching and we can do it in four steps. So often we punish them first, but our goal is to teach them correct behavior, and punishment often causes resentment and the inability to learn. First we request they change behavior. Second, we command. If that still doesn't work, we then physically move them to action. Finally, we use punishment. However, before and after we punish, we should always use their primary love language to let them know we love them,and that the punishment is to fit the crime and not because we don't love them.

I also learned that when our children are angry verbally, we need to let them have an out. If we don't allow them to express their anger, it will get bottled up. We verbally allow them to express it and praise them for what they did well and then correct what needs to change. I previously thought if my child was yelling, I would end it at all costs, but then I never gave an outlet for the anger. I am working on changing some of my parenting techniques and I already feel like it is making a big difference. I highly recommend this book.


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